It becomes so hard to focus on anything when depression turns worse. When I got home on Halloween I took a bit of a spiral. For three days I did not see or speak to anyone. I just curled up and that was all I could do.
Basically these past two weeks have been a sadness spiral. I can't quite break free.
I fell used, abused, and discarded by those I let close to me. By the world in general.
Nothing I do seems to work out..
I face rejection after rejection in my job hunt.
My heart hurts from other rejections.
How does one overcome this?
I am going to try to focus on the things I can control.
I can control what I eat. I can control my fitness regime.
This week these is my goal. To manage my depression but focusing on physical health.
It will be hard. When I am in a state like this I either binge eat or don't eat at all.
I don't want to move, let alone exercise.
But I will try.
Monday, November 11, 2019
Monday, October 28, 2019
Trying Something New
I have been thinking that my "dieting" strategy is not working for me.
After some researching I have decided to try a different route.
Low Carb
Looking at my food journal on My Fitness Pal, I realized that the majority of what I eat is carbs. And usually pretty processed carbs at that. I know that the Keto diet is an extremely low carb diet, but I am not sure that I can actually do such a massive change like that.
Instead I am starting this week by just focusing on reducing my carbs. The goal is to stay under 150g of carbs and to choose my carbs more wisely. Right now I would kill for a soda, but a goal is a goal.
I don't do well with drastic changes. It usually only lasts a few days before I end up binging.
Yet I am hopeful is I do this slowly, it might have the results I want.
Being the overly organized person that I am, I made a chart to track the carbs per day. Visuals help me.
Yoga
Another thing I am thinking about trying is the 30 days of Yoga. I've seen a few of these on Youtube and I think it could be an interesting thing to incorporate into my fitness routine. Kind of a test drive for a month to see if it is something that I would like to continue.
What I have done in the past just doesn't seem to have worked out. Perhaps changing things up will actually work.
Gotta think positive and focus
After some researching I have decided to try a different route.
Low Carb
Looking at my food journal on My Fitness Pal, I realized that the majority of what I eat is carbs. And usually pretty processed carbs at that. I know that the Keto diet is an extremely low carb diet, but I am not sure that I can actually do such a massive change like that.
Instead I am starting this week by just focusing on reducing my carbs. The goal is to stay under 150g of carbs and to choose my carbs more wisely. Right now I would kill for a soda, but a goal is a goal.
I don't do well with drastic changes. It usually only lasts a few days before I end up binging.
Yet I am hopeful is I do this slowly, it might have the results I want.
Being the overly organized person that I am, I made a chart to track the carbs per day. Visuals help me.
Yoga
Another thing I am thinking about trying is the 30 days of Yoga. I've seen a few of these on Youtube and I think it could be an interesting thing to incorporate into my fitness routine. Kind of a test drive for a month to see if it is something that I would like to continue.
What I have done in the past just doesn't seem to have worked out. Perhaps changing things up will actually work.
Gotta think positive and focus
Monday, October 21, 2019
Stress and Depression: Trying to Cope
This past week has not been easy.
I am still on the hunt for a full time job. I applied for a few more last Sunday night and got a call Monday to set up an interview for a full time position at the college where I work part-time.
How quickly they got in contact with me made me a bit hopeful. Yet like with most things, I fail. The interview was atrocious. I kept repeating myself to the point one of the interviewers "jokingly" answered a question for me. They gave me a typing and written assignment. I wasn't expecting that and doing a timed typing assignment in a college computer lab with a couple sitting right by me getting all gushy and handsy really didn't help. Essentially, I choked like I always do.
The stress and disappointment from this has been hard to deal with. How many interviews will I fail at? I am well into the double digits and the more I fail the worse it gets.
Then this Saturday I tried to get out and meet new people. I joined a Meet Up group to go to Oktoberfest. Maybe it was the venue, maybe it was stress from the week, maybe I just didn't click with anyone, but I felt like an outsider. Like I was just trailing along with a group that I didn't belong with despite everyone being nice to each other. I just didn't fit in.
I am not in good head space. I am starting to think that I am clinically depressed. This could explain why I feel so alone and distance even among a nice group of people.
It goes without saying that my health has suffered this week with not being a priority. There are so many things in my life that I cannot currently deal with. But my health and fitness are in my control. I know I need to concentrate more on this since I cannot control much else.
GOALS:
I accomplished nothing this week and probably just set myself back a bit. So this week is all about regaining my focus and momentum. I will just try to choose the healthier options and make working out a higher priority.
I will try to "Hang In There" this week and focus only on what is in my control
I am still on the hunt for a full time job. I applied for a few more last Sunday night and got a call Monday to set up an interview for a full time position at the college where I work part-time.
How quickly they got in contact with me made me a bit hopeful. Yet like with most things, I fail. The interview was atrocious. I kept repeating myself to the point one of the interviewers "jokingly" answered a question for me. They gave me a typing and written assignment. I wasn't expecting that and doing a timed typing assignment in a college computer lab with a couple sitting right by me getting all gushy and handsy really didn't help. Essentially, I choked like I always do.
The stress and disappointment from this has been hard to deal with. How many interviews will I fail at? I am well into the double digits and the more I fail the worse it gets.
Then this Saturday I tried to get out and meet new people. I joined a Meet Up group to go to Oktoberfest. Maybe it was the venue, maybe it was stress from the week, maybe I just didn't click with anyone, but I felt like an outsider. Like I was just trailing along with a group that I didn't belong with despite everyone being nice to each other. I just didn't fit in.
I am not in good head space. I am starting to think that I am clinically depressed. This could explain why I feel so alone and distance even among a nice group of people.
It goes without saying that my health has suffered this week with not being a priority. There are so many things in my life that I cannot currently deal with. But my health and fitness are in my control. I know I need to concentrate more on this since I cannot control much else.
GOALS:
I accomplished nothing this week and probably just set myself back a bit. So this week is all about regaining my focus and momentum. I will just try to choose the healthier options and make working out a higher priority.
I will try to "Hang In There" this week and focus only on what is in my control
Monday, October 14, 2019
Weekly Update: Highs and Lows
This week was not the best, but it wasn't the worst either.
I managed to exercise every other day. And for the most part I paid attention to what I was eating.
But there were a few days where things did not go great.
Emotional Eating: One day I will write something more in-depth about my struggles with emotional eating. Today I will just say that I had a bad day and once I got home I "ate my feelings".
Then there is the cold factor. When it gets cold my instinct is to huddle up and snack. We had a short cold front come in and I bundled up and grazing happened. Like a bear prepping for hibernation.
On a positive note. This weekend was beautiful and I went out to lunch and shopping with my mom. It was actually her idea as a means to cheer me up (again emotional eating comes into play).
I ate one of the best burgers I have had in a long time.
I managed to exercise every other day. And for the most part I paid attention to what I was eating.
But there were a few days where things did not go great.
Emotional Eating: One day I will write something more in-depth about my struggles with emotional eating. Today I will just say that I had a bad day and once I got home I "ate my feelings".
Then there is the cold factor. When it gets cold my instinct is to huddle up and snack. We had a short cold front come in and I bundled up and grazing happened. Like a bear prepping for hibernation.
On a positive note. This weekend was beautiful and I went out to lunch and shopping with my mom. It was actually her idea as a means to cheer me up (again emotional eating comes into play).
I ate one of the best burgers I have had in a long time.
I know it isn't healthy. But I did not eat all the fries. And it was so GOOD.
I think that by restricting too much from a lifestyle is wrong. And I am not calling what I am doing a diet. I am just trying to cultivate better habits. Learn to pay attention to the foods and their nutritional value. At the same time, there are days that I feel foods should just be enjoyed. Healthy or not.
Goals for this week:
- Add some different exercises like burpees, jumping jacks, planks, etc
- Try a few new healthy food options
- Focus on mental health
Monday, October 7, 2019
Set Backs: Socializing and Emotions
A week like this week is the reason I have started this blog for accountability.
I've had a few set backs and I need to push myself to get back on the health path.
There are usually one of two things that set me on the course for failing: Socializing or Emotions
Socializing:
I do not get out often, maybe a handful of times a month. If I am hanging out with people, there is usually a food aspect involved. Most often cocktails as well. On these days when I am socializing, exercise almost always gets put off.
There are also the "maybe hang out" days. By this I mean that no plans were actually agreed upon, but there is still a chance of going out. No exercise on these days either, because I may need to head out asap. Also eating tends to be grazing on junk food simply because I don't know whats going on.
Sidenote on me and alcohol. If I drink, I get hungry. I am normally a picky eater. I tend to stick with the things I know I like. When drunk and hungry, I will try just about anything. So the calories from the cocktails plus the calories from the drunken binges really add up fast. And let's be honest, drunk food cravings are always the least healthy options.
Emotions:
This is not the post to go into mental health issues just yet. Even though they are a major factor in health and fitness. Instead I am just going to sum up some things in the area of this week's set backs.
I can get sad, angry, or bored and that will sometimes set off a binging session. This in turn can affection my exercise routines.
This week all of this happened. A little socializing and a lot of "emotions" derailed my progress.
I keep a calendar as a visual for my progress. The days highlighted in GREEN are days that I paid attention to what I was eating. The BLUE highlighted areas represent exercises. And the PINK highlighted days are the bad days. Some days started off green but by the end of the night had turned into pink days.
I know this seems silly, but it is a reminder for me. I want a whole month of green and blue only. That is not this month.
My goals for this next week:
- Get back to paying attention to what I am eating
- Try for a whole week of GREEN
- Exercise at the very least three times this week. Five is better if splitting heavy cardio and weights/ standard exercises on separate days.
Monday, September 30, 2019
Introduction
Hello!
After years of not being the best at following through on my fitness and general well-being goals, I have decided to make a blog to document my attempts at not being a total screw-up with my health.
This blog will hopefully make me more accountable. So perhaps I will be less likely to binge eat ice cream and vodka while watching Netflix for hours. Maybe I will finally achieve my fitness goals if I make myself talk about them. Even if it is just to the void that is the internet.
I really do not expect anyone to really read this. Great if you are, Accountability works!
A little about my current health goals:
I am not overweight. That being said, I am "fluffly like a dough boy". No muscles, no toned up body whatsoever. And it makes me feel really insecure at times.
Then there is the mental aspects of health and fitness. Life is hard. Lately my life has been extremely difficult. I am doing my best to work through grief, depression, some anxiety.... my mind isn't in normal operating order right now. There is a connection between physical fitness and mental health.
I want to work on these things and become a healthier, happier, maybe a lil sexier person.
This Blog
My plans for this blog are to document my goals, my successes, and failures so that I can learn and continue to strive for a better me.
If anyone is actually reading this, feel free to suggest things for me to try. Talk about what has and has not worked for you. Or just be a general life cheerleader (we all need those now and again).
I hope to post weekly, probably on Mondays.
Current Regime:
I have an elliptical, 3 and 5 pound dumbbells, yoga mat, and a balance ball.
I have been running an hour on the elliptical four days this week and used the 5 pound dumbbells for some simple arm exercises three days.
I have the My Fitness App and I am working on staying at 1200 calories a day while focusing on better nutrition. This is the hardest part for me. I just do not have the money to buy the foods that would be good for me. Instead I am trying to learn how to choose healthier options that are still affordable. I also emotionally eat when bored or angry. I love sweets, chips, and fried food. This is my biggest hurdle for the future.
And with this, a new beginning has hopefully begun
After years of not being the best at following through on my fitness and general well-being goals, I have decided to make a blog to document my attempts at not being a total screw-up with my health.
This blog will hopefully make me more accountable. So perhaps I will be less likely to binge eat ice cream and vodka while watching Netflix for hours. Maybe I will finally achieve my fitness goals if I make myself talk about them. Even if it is just to the void that is the internet.
I really do not expect anyone to really read this. Great if you are, Accountability works!
A little about my current health goals:
I am not overweight. That being said, I am "fluffly like a dough boy". No muscles, no toned up body whatsoever. And it makes me feel really insecure at times.
Then there is the mental aspects of health and fitness. Life is hard. Lately my life has been extremely difficult. I am doing my best to work through grief, depression, some anxiety.... my mind isn't in normal operating order right now. There is a connection between physical fitness and mental health.
I want to work on these things and become a healthier, happier, maybe a lil sexier person.
This Blog
My plans for this blog are to document my goals, my successes, and failures so that I can learn and continue to strive for a better me.
If anyone is actually reading this, feel free to suggest things for me to try. Talk about what has and has not worked for you. Or just be a general life cheerleader (we all need those now and again).
I hope to post weekly, probably on Mondays.
Current Regime:
I have an elliptical, 3 and 5 pound dumbbells, yoga mat, and a balance ball.
I have been running an hour on the elliptical four days this week and used the 5 pound dumbbells for some simple arm exercises three days.
I have the My Fitness App and I am working on staying at 1200 calories a day while focusing on better nutrition. This is the hardest part for me. I just do not have the money to buy the foods that would be good for me. Instead I am trying to learn how to choose healthier options that are still affordable. I also emotionally eat when bored or angry. I love sweets, chips, and fried food. This is my biggest hurdle for the future.
And with this, a new beginning has hopefully begun
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